God works in us for our good?

Some of you will know that I have been recovering from illness for the last few months. The good news is that I am about to get back to work in the next few weeks. At Christmas it semed that my world was crumbling before my eyes. It was supposed to be very different: the intention was to have the while family together.Mark was flying in from Sierra Leone, Peter and Malia from Seattle,  due on the 20th December, and Ruth was coming for a whole week from Dublin. Stuart,Gillian and I in Belfast were very excited. Then it  all went squint.

It was the Friday before Christmas and the pain was becoming unbearable. At one point the pain was so bad that I cried out to God, asking that he take the pain away and sort out the problem once and for all. The last time I  experienced such discomfort was 46 years ago when I  was diagnosed, eventually, with Ulcerative Colites. It came in waves of cramp which made me curl up in the featel position. I was in''' no position to make any decisions so it was left to Gillian to make them for me and that she did. Ringing the after hours doctor an ambulance arrived to take me to the Accident and Emergency. From that moment it was like events had a life of their own.

The surgeon recognised the probem immeditely but waited to see if it progressed or even, as unlikely as it was, it might respond to treatment. After a week of antibiotics and painkillers progess was the result and surgerz te onlz waz forward. Athis pint I  entered a dark time. I knew there was a distinct possibility that while surgery would deal with the pain there could be complications which would impinge on my lifestyle and, of course, all surgery was dangerous. In my mind I travelled back forty years when I had some pioneering surgery in Leeds General Infirmary following the emergency surgery of six years previously.

When the surgeon, whom I trusted completely from the start, asked me what I thought we should do he agreed with me that there was no alternative to surgery! It was very early in the morning and he stood by my be,d in his characteristic way. shirtsleeves rolled up and his tie tucked into his shirt with his hand behind his back  almost leaning against the wall looking directly into my eyes. This was the moment of no return, it had to be done and done as quickly as possibly. It was no longer relevant that any procedure might not work, the old was finished. I knew as he explained that he could not be sure what he would find once he had opened me up. He proceeded to tell me they would try and open the old wound along the scar line down by abdomen. Later he returned himself to get me to sign the consent form. It was just his way, unlike other surgeons he did this himself rather than delegating to a junior doctor. This was the decision I had feared would be made as it took me back to the days of 1969 and 1975 when recovery from surgery was painful and prolonged but pain control had come a long way since those days and so had the after-care which was completely absent for me.

I had my wife and three of my children around me much of the time and right up to the moment they came to wheel me off to theatre. Peter, my eldest son, was in Seattle, torn by the need to be with his wife and unborn son and wanting to be with his father, had delegated Mark, the next in line, to gather us all together that he would pray for God's healing-that was one of the most emotional and meaningful moments of my life. Stuart and Ruth were there in support and Gillian, my soul mate and devoted wife was at my side. That was a difficult time for her too as she was also helping with the care of her elderly parents as well as her, not so elderly husband. Once again the "in sickness and health" was being tested.

Today Gillian and I stand on the threshold of going to Seattle to meet my grandson and spent quality time with them. In the time of recovery I have had plenty of time to think and contemplate about many things. I am greatly indebted to a lot of people ranging from my family to the surgical and nursing team and my congregation and colleagues who had deputised for me at various engagements and have visited me but it is to God that I am the most grateful. In this society pain has been banned as something we all deserve to be protected from. Difficulty and  the challenging path of life is to be avoided but the Bible makes it clear that this is the way to fulfilment and happiness, this narrow way is the answer and antidote to the hedonistic lifestyle which has become the hallmark of 21st century western Christianity. Truth be told, in  hindsight and retrospect, I would not want to escape the last few months as I am in better condition today than I have been for  at least five years. In the end I accepted my abnormal life as normal ignorant that inside me my body was scarred and the bowel perforated to the point of  being poisoned by itself. God truly works things out for those he loves for the best and I, for one, would have it no other way. This is why we worship our God through Jesus Christ in the power of His Holy Spirit.. Does God work for our good? Yes He does and we should embrace His ways even when we are unable to understand them, that is the essence of faith, yes? Yes

At this advanced stage of my life and ministry I have come to appreciate that Christian faith is relational. Yes, I know that's hardly rocket science, but I think many people live their lives in boxes. I lived like that for many years. I used the bible as my manual of, or for, behaviour. I guess my Calvinism gave me a structure to do that. The irony of this evangelical position was that I was living life from the outside in. Those criticisms of my perception of Catholicism  were faith and works are reversed had become part of my faith.

My boxed faith provided structure and security as long as I stayed inside. In terms of living that made my life all about apologetics so the usual suspects raised their heads:abortion, homosexuality, the resurrection, speaking in tongues etc. After all these years the penny has finally dropped. The bible, which is God's inspired word is a record of God's people and how he has worked with them over the centuries and the chapter still being written is the 29th chapter of Acts. I want my life to be about winning the battle. I want to read the stories and watch the movies of people who win the battle  despite the difficulties and sometimes the battles we fight are very difficult.

.Because my faith is relational, with doctrine init and with poetry , history  mystery etc it is dynamic and does nit always give the answer simply because it asks questions about faith. The bible is about trusting God and we are called to walk by faith and nit by sight. What rocks my boat today is hearing about the struggles that people have and how they win their way through, winning the battle. I know the end of the story is that God wins because because he has already and that means we win but the battle is still to be fought. Recently I watched the remake of Karate Kid in which  this comes across very clearly:like all Hollywood productions we know the kid wins  but we get caught up with the fight and the tension asks the question," does he really win?" Of course he wins but he still has to get up of the floor after being brutally attacked. His opponent tries to break his leg but he does get up, he shows honour in the face of dishonour and courage in the heat of battle.

At this stage in my life I want to leave the box and live in the real world, not that I no longer believe in the contents of the box but I want more of the relationship and the only way to experience that is to put my faith to the test. Staying in the box raises questions which only counteract other questions. My faith is not static and fixed but dynamic because my life is changing also. The box makes me feel secure but I need testing.